Monday, March 19, 2012

MS And the Potty Mouth Woman

I'm looking for a place where I belong in this world. I have written a book. I sent it off to an editor. I found the book cover expert and am waiting to hear from her. I'm reading and looking online how to blog, how to submit articles, how to write a newsletter, and how to post on social networks and doing it all in order to find my self worth i and my self respect which I've lost along the way. It's lonely and it sucks. 

I get up every morning and it seems as though I'm climbing a hill. One dusty hill after another so that some days it all feels as if I'm climbing a mountain and I will never get to the goal which is to live a joyful, pain-free, productive life. Simple.  I don't want for much; companionship, a comfortable bed, a good book to read and I am basically happy. Every day however, has so many obstacles, so many hurdles to jump over, so many steps to take for each and every move so that by the middle of the day I am exhausted and need to lay down. I just want to keep on going, to continue on with the day and not wait for anybody else to come to my rescue. To get me up or to put me down. Those days are gone but not forgotten

I have my home health aide here every day to help me keep the house clean and to make sure I can get in and out of bed and get something to eat but it's not enough to keep me alive. Really alive. I miss who I used to be or rather I have mislaid her and she is on sabbatical and incognito. I am antsy and am constantly looking for something to keep me busy so that I feel as though I have accomplished something during the course of a day.

Sad and gloomy arenot words I would use to describe myself. I am usually upbeat and optimistic although once in a while I am teary, weary and worn. Today is one of those days and I don't want to waste time not being present. If I look at everything as it is right here and now I am fine; I am busy, and working, and when my mind is active I am not even thinking about the things that are bothering me. The aches and pains and the depression are diminished for the moment and I am more than an MS patient. I am Renae Clare, a funny, active woman/writer.  

Perhaps it's the dust in my brain as I go along in life  with a wheelchair but at times my brain just seems to stop and just can't roll on any further . I need a good shove, a push or perhaps a yank to get me unstuck and rolling again. I don't want my brain matter to turn into pudding and so I keep on reading and studying and learning how to market Multiple Sclerosis and the Potty Mouthed Woman.

1 comment:

  1. i for one am so very glad that you are a writer, and that you have a blog... you provide good reading and that is huge for me!

    i have been having these same sorts of days as you describe... although i'm not in a chair and i'm still working... my limitations are becoming increasingly obvious to me and i hate it... things that once came easy for me are no longer easy... some things take so much more time while others are not even worth trying... very sad indeed

    what word have you gotten from the editor? do you have a time line on a publish date? i don't know much about marketing but i will be more than happy to help out where i can! i'm so excited for you! i'm living my book dream vicariously through you :)