I'm looking for a place where I belong in this world. I have written a book. I sent it off to an editor. I found the book cover expert and am waiting to hear from her. I'm reading and looking online how to blog, how to submit articles, how to write a newsletter, and how to post on social networks and doing it all in order to find my self worth i and my self respect which I've lost along the way. It's lonely and it sucks.
I have my home health aide here every day to help me keep the house clean and to make sure I can get in and out of bed and get something to eat but it's not enough to keep me alive. Really alive. I miss who I used to be or rather I have mislaid her and she is on sabbatical and incognito. I am antsy and am constantly looking for something to keep me busy so that I feel as though I have accomplished something during the course of a day.
Sad and gloomy arenot words I would use to describe myself. I am usually upbeat and optimistic although once in a while I am teary, weary and worn. Today is one of those days and I don't want to waste time not being present. If I look at everything as it is right here and now I am fine; I am busy, and working, and when my mind is active I am not even thinking about the things that are bothering me. The aches and pains and the depression are diminished for the moment and I am more than an MS patient. I am Renae Clare, a funny, active woman/writer.
Perhaps it's the dust in my brain as I go along in life with a wheelchair but at times my brain just seems to stop and just can't roll on any further . I need a good shove, a push or perhaps a yank to get me unstuck and rolling again. I don't want my brain matter to turn into pudding and so I keep on reading and studying and learning how to market Multiple Sclerosis and the Potty Mouthed Woman.